Same yet different

I have been thinking that this year the monsoons have lost their magic.  Since the first rains touched us, nothing was exciting enough. The clouds, the heavy downpour, the freshness of the newly washed leaves, the glass of the new high rises getting foggy and the lights twinkling inside beautiful homes, all have left me unmoved. What has changed in the last one year? The only season which I have been gung ho about all my life, has left me feeling limp. All is going reasonably well in all areas of my life. By the grace of God, I cant even say there is a problem and so I am feeling bad or sad. I do want to put a reason to my listlessness. I am happy when I can justify my moods and feelings. It kind of makes my rudeness, bad behaviour or irritation as a fair response to the things around me. This rainy season, try as I might, I am drawing a blank.

Blank should be a good place to be but not for me. I like to be solving the problems of the world in my head, all the time. In Mumbai, the buzz in the air starts from Ashadhi Ekadashi. There is a shift in the mood with this festival. I am on my cleaning spree for Ganpati. Finding it difficult to remove old, unwanted or unused stuff. Have an acumen of collecting laundry bags. I just don’t like giving them away. I am embarrassed to tell anyone why I have so many at home. I mean who needs 20 laundry bags? I keep thinking I will make the inner covers of my pillows with it or use them for dusting. I dont land up doing it. People store make up, shoes, combs, bags etc and I have always smirked at it. ┬áDo give a thought to what you store in your house. What I like is so different from what I have in my house. I mean all the stuff I have at home is nice, good quality, long lasting and user friendly. It does not necessarily appeal to me in the aesthetic sense. Most of the household stuff is chosen by someone else or gifted. I see things I like and I always wonder where will I keep them in my house. I cant find a place and the beautiful thing doesn’t find a place in my home. I can confidently say I have no artist’s eye. I like the choice of a couple of my friends in household matters of the stuff to buy and use. I keep doubting my abilities as a housewife. Why can’t I be perfect? The more I strive for perfection, the messier I feel my home is. Not a great feeling when you are constantly judging yourself by the way your house is. I do believe that our external space is a reflection of the internal one. When will I feel satisfied?

The monsoon is all around me and I have chosen, albeit unconsciously, not to be happy about it. Every New Year is where the past year’s failure stares at my face and does not enable me to make new resolutions. This year the birthday is not bringing any joy. I am excited on First January that my birthday is eight months away. Now less than eight days away and I am still wondering what to do. Do I really need to celebrate? Do I need a reason to celebrate whether it is the monsoons or my birthday? I am taken aback when people say we shall go with the flow. I cannot comprehend that. I like to plan and then execute my plan and see it in reality. Go with the flow for me means just follow others and do not chart your own course. Can I go with the flow where I do not take decisions ? Where choices are made for me and I go by them and enjoy them? Where I trust that the choices made for me by others will be good for me? Can I surrender to that degree? Does surrender have degrees? For that matter do our emotions have degrees and who qualifies them? Do I love people by degrees? A few degrees more like the temperature in my town or yours? Degrees is all about comparison and comparisons never make me happy. I am comparing this monsoon to make me feel like last year’s monsoon. I am not the same, the rains are not the same, the city is not the same, the friends are not the same. This feeling of ‘it is the same and yet not so’…..

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