I am just not open to people telling me what to do. I always think I am so right. I am not too sure about being open to any kind of criticism. The fear is that criticism is bad. If someone criticises you, then you are not good enough. The fear came from school days. Every word the teacher uttered was the ultimate and if it was harsh, then it was etched in the memory for ever. I would be completely de moralised for days, of course I didnt know what it meant at that time. There was so much fear that I can feel goose bumps even now.
In school the early years, I craved for acknowledgement from my teachers. It never came. I am sure I would not have forgotten it if it had come. Later around fifth sixth standard, I became very good in studies. Like from a rank of 32 to 27 to 8 to 5 is how I moved up.So I was a bit acknowledged but it was always reluctant praise. Like this girl is not so good in studies, may be her marks are a fluke.
Being the eldest in the family of six children, the pressure to do no wrong was always there. I lived in that fear for years. If someone said something to me, it only meant they do not love me or that I am unloved.
Once the maths teacher in ninth standard asked all the girls who got above 90 in maths to stand up. She looked at me and said” This one is hardly competitive.” I dont even think I knew the exact meaning of that word. But I was terribly hurt. After getting the highest marks, this was the comment. I had cried alone when I had got home. Then was this determination that I will do my best but will never be competitive in life. I started treating competitive as a bad word.
Another thing which brought about fear was when Mom said “If you do not listen I ll tell Dad.” That would be the killer. I d sweat for days if Dad was out of town and pray that Mom does not remember when he is back. Dad would just say not to do it but the built up to that fear was so high.
Once Mom was angry because i said something bad. She told me she ll go away. I was so scared. I thought she ll go away because I did something wrong. All came to if I was not criticised,my life went fine.
Later I had become an ace student , was always first or second in class and some of the confidence started coming in.This was all due to a Maths teacher Mitra Sir whom Mom had got. He really encouraged me to my optimum and did it in fun and play. With him I just scaled really new heights in studies.
Then I came to Mumbai to study and boldness came along the way.
Till now I cannot handle the word constructive criticism. Forget that, if someone want to give me feedback ,I am scared. All the fears I am carrying for years come back.
Today to write this, was like overcoming all those childhood fears.